Couples who communicate together stay together: On Buying a Couch

What causes major stress in a relationship?

Most couples say "communication." I've read countless books on marriage therapy, and every single one discusses the importance of communication. For such a primary skill, many struggle to communicate better with their partners.

Tisa and I are no different. 🫤

Each of us brought different communication tools to our marriage. For me, communication serves a tool for reassurance... I look to Tisa to validate my choices, hopes, and fears. For Tisa, communication is very different. Whereas I tend to share exactly what's on my mind, like it's bubbling over constantly, Tisa likes to mull things over before sharing, composing her thoughts and analyzing her own emotions. She's going to write a post about it soon so you get her side of the story 😊.

Our differences work perfectly well 80 or even 90% of the time. But, they don't work the other 10%, when a problem arises between us and we don't see eye-to-eye. See, when I feel like there's an issue, I end up trying to talk about it right away, often interrupting her in the middle of something she's trying to get done.

But, when the problem is bothering her, she spends time thinking about it, assessing her emotions and trying to track down the root of any issue or why something is bothering her so much.

Do you see the issue? I keep trying to talk, and she keeps trying to think. Both are super important for communication, but together, we've got a bit of a different outlet for any emotional moment. 😕

For example, I remember we were still dating, not even engaged yet, and we went out shopping for a new couch for my apartment. We went to three different stores, sat on about 3000 couches and what started out as a fun, "let's imagine our future living room" became a tense hostage exchange. Neither of us could agree on a single couch. I would like one and think it looked nice, and she would hate the legs on the couch. Or, she would like one that I couldn't stand because of the fabric.

I know this sounds trivial, but I remember this moment vividly. I kept trying to talk it out. And, Tisa retreated, talking less and less, and thinking about the choice we were making. We both knew we might be getting engaged, and whichever couch we bought would be shared, but it was a major purchase (at the time, probably 1/6th of my monthly pay), and ultimately, was just for my apartment. We couldn't agree, and we both left the store wondering how we could consider a life together if we couldn't even pick a couch. 🛋️

Something powerful happens in a relationship when one person feels wronged. Often times, in any relationship, one starts feeling like a "victim." And, how one reacts as a victim will become a common refrain in your relationship.

In this case, I felt like the couch was really just for me since we weren't even engaged yet. Compromising on which pattern or style felt unnecessary. And, from Tisa's perspective, it seemed essential that we compromise if we were serious about our relationship.

Both of us had the opportunity to act the "victim." We were both right; but here's the thing:

Right and wrong are not how to communicate in a relationship.

And, the first strategy I'd like to share with you is how to deal with that. Because whenever you and your significant other feel like you are right and the other is wrong, you are both set up to lose.

So, how do you win in this situation? By trying to really feel the other person's emotions. In our case, I had to really understand that Tisa felt like, if I was going to selfishly decide on the couch to buy, then I also might be showing her that I wanted it to be my way or the highway in our relationship choices. How do you fix that? Instead of being the victim, try to understand the other.

"I can tell you're upset; can you help me understand why?"

"Is there something deeper going on here that you're feeling?"

You have to really believe these words and put effort into understanding. Put yourself in your partner's shoes. It doesn't work otherwise. In our case, Tisa felt genuine fear about what this decision symbolized. And, while that doesn't end the feelings of right and wrong, it does open up communication about the most important element of the current moment--why you both are feeling the way you feel.

And, follow that up with reassurance. Often in these situations, partner reactions can make one feel even more isolated. So, you have to make clear that you will not end on an isolated "I'm right" island.

"We both are seeing this from different points. That's not what matters. What matters is that we care about each other and can work through this."

These are not magic words to memorize; it's the underlying principle that's important. Understand the deeper reasons why someone is upset. And state the end goal of remaining together.

As you extend yourself towards truly understanding your partners emotions, you are validating that the feelings are what is important, not who is the victim or who is right/wrong. This takes vulnerability; but what could be more vulnerable then committing yourself to another person? You already made the most vulnerable move out there by being with them... you put your trust in your happiness, your future, and your life in their hands. So, whenever there is a situation that you feel "right," try turning it around to understand why each person's feelings can be completely right. And, if both of you practice it, you will find freedom and trust in your relationship. The more you engage and understand, the more you get.

See... our communication style is not the issue. Tisa may draw inward to think through things. I project outward and get overly talkative to fix things. Neither of those is the problem. The problem is in viewing yourself as "right" when you could be trying to understand one another better.

You might be wondering, why all this on the PennyText site? What's this have to do with budgeting? Honestly, to me, everything.

Financial conversations are a challenge between us, even now after 17 years of marriage. How Tisa spends and manages money is different than how I spend and manage money. Consolidating those differences is tough; but good couples are capable of taking on challenges.

So how do you address spending habits knowing you will likely enter into a moment where you disagree about right/wrong spending?

You create the system together, and use a system that keeps you both engaged. And, try to understand what's behind a person's habits. That's the beauty of this app... it facilitates the conversation and the tough choices you need to make, and then it engages you to keep track. You'll find out how when we launch 😉 We can't wait to share what has helped us, so it can help you.